The Ones You Can't Help

As a teacher, I have had to face the fact that there are just those kids you can't help. You can try, get sad, get mad, try more, and get intervention. So these are my failures:

The kid who two weeks ago threatened to "shoot me between the eyes like he did his neighbor's dog" if I did not pass him. This kid is 15. He had a 48 in my class at the time. A peek at his grades showed he was failing almost every class. This kid has pestered, called me names, called his classmates names, and generally been a pill, besaides not doing his work. The sad thing to me is: just the week before, he had come up to my desk and asked if I could give hime "easier work" because these assignments were "too hard". I asked why he thought they were too hard and it boiled down to he couldn't really read. I went through a project step by step with him, he did it, and he got an 80. This kid isn't coded learning disabled, and he is in 10th grade and couldn't read me simple directions. Then the next week he threatens me. I wrote him up, cops came and took him away, and I haven't seen him again. Today I got his withdraw notice. Did I just doom this kid? Did I help this kid? I don't know. I may not ever know. That's a failure.

The girl, smart girl, with the lip piercings, tatoos, and gutter mouth that I have vowed to turn into a lady if it kills me. It may yet kill me. Today I had a substitute and she made the very young substitute cry because she was trying to help her and the girl called her a bitch. If I leave them with a substitute and they turn into animals, what does that say about me as a teacher? A failure.

The boy who won't do any work. Ever. He got a 5% in my class last six weeks. You have to try very hard not to do any work to get a 5%. He can spend an entire class period doing nothing. I have six pages of notes on him that basically say "nothing works". How can he get to be 16 years old and sit for hours in a class and do nothing? I have 27 other kids in that class and can't give this kid the one on one attention he needs to do his work. That's a failure.

So, today my team mates and I spent the whole day doing curriculum planning while our classes had subs. 8 hours of arguing and arguing more and actually getting SOMETHING accomplished, but when you are in a team of four, there is always some discord. At 3:15 I go back to my now empty room and read the notes from the sub about how LITTLE my students had actually done today. Okay, in all fairness--4 out of the 6 classes actually worked. The other two acted like idiots. This is enough to make anyone depressed. So at 4:00 (early for me) I have decided I had enough and troop downstairs to sign out. I am greated by the Principal and School Improvement Facilitator. Remember, I am depressed and I am a failure this week.

The principal writes a Monday newsletter to staff, which curiously we get on Tuesdays, but is still called the Monday newsletter by all. The Monday/Tuesday Newsletter this week mentioned a teacher who, when faced with a student who did not turn ina major project, said "we both missed the boat here" interpretted to mean when my students don't turn in projects, I AM TO BLAME. Remember--I am a FAILURE.
Therefore, I mention to the principal that he had added another degree of guilt to my already heightened degree of FAILURE. He got very quiet. Then I asked him for help on suggestions for getting students MOTIVATED, see story of "boy who will do no work" above, to actually do projects.

Thirty minutes later, I was still in his office. Actually, I was getting a lesson on how to teach English and break a research report into managable steps instead of just assigning "write a research a paper". But in the midst of that, I finally realized--I am NOT a failure. I am NOT the only teacher these kids have ever or will ever have. I will NOT always have good teaching days. Some days I will be a FAILURE. I am not a good teacher unless I have those failures and change because of it, and learn from others. I can't do this if I don't continually change and learn from my mistakes.

So tomorrow, I will sign that withdraw notice and try not to dwell, I will still try to turn Ms. Lip Piercing/Tatoo/Gutter Mouth into a lady, and MAYBE that "I won't do anything" boy will come back from being suspended yet again and miraciously sit down and do some work. Or maybe he won't. But I will still keep trying.